Numb Hopes

9pm. days still not over. One of the longest day of my life in last one year. Snow storm has kept me stuck at home from last 2 days and has left enough snow pilled up to keep us in for atleast 2 more.
Sitting in the room with lights off and watching David Gilmour play. A long forgotten DVD that I found hidden deep down same as my long forgotten dreams that are flashing now in my eyes.

High Hopes.

"Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There's a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we've been so many times"

long ago we had ambition. Ambition to do soemthing, to be something. desire to succeed, be different from others, run far ahead of everyone. hunger for fame, making a name for ourself.

Few years then, lost the appetitte, hunger's been satisfied with the junk, eyes too weary to look beyond, brain too crowded to think, derailed from the road that can lead to all.
High Hopes have all flown far beyond to some other side now.

"Running before time took our dreams away
Leaving the myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground
To a life consumed by slow decay"


Lets play the next song.
Comfortably Numb

"When I was a child I had a FEVER My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am.

I have become comfortably numb."


Done.
The song is over.

Its 9:20 nothing has changed. Its still snowing, its still dark, its still maddening. Feel like throwing up. I am stick to the stomach.
Oh wait Rick Wright comes in. Let me pick up some Broken China. But thats not worth. lets just leave, and carry on what I have been busy with "blankness".


P.S. I am not editing it, not reading it again, damn whatever, nevermind. The Child is grown the dream is gone.

Dreaming....

iFan - r u a fan yet?

Have you ever felt like everyday is just a slow moving dream? You wake up, and only thing you remember is waking up everyday. Everything else is just the same. You go about doing things, just like everyday, but your heart is not there and your mind is moving in its own zone. When there is no reason to do something and yet need to be done in time. You eat all the meals, but nothing satisfying. It all tastes the same, why care for salt when taste buds have given up.
Day keeps passing, as the clock keeps ticking. You feel so much, yet feel nothing. Emotions come and go but nothing to stir a nerve. You decide to do something, for no particular reason and all movements’ feels as you are in a trance. There's no possible explanation for it, and you have decided not to go into the details, just move with the flow. It might feel cold, but who is to think. Be it warm, be it snow, be it rain or any weather change, it doesn’t make a difference, everything else stands the same.
Its night, and it’s time to sleep. Would you wake up feeling any different, did you think what tomorrow might be? Do you really have to sleep, or is it a part of the things that have to be done. When you sleep your mind rest, when you are awake, mind sleeps. Does it need any more sleep? Dreams are just crowded over populated information in the mind. Why did I dream? You don't remember, but you know it was a dream and it just vanished, as this day that just passed by me today, just like a dream. It was slow; it was same. It was surely a dream and when I think of it I guess maybe I am still dream..g.

Coming Back to Blog!

I think this is where I come in

I didn’t know where to start and I am searching for words to start today also.
It's been long, almost months when I took my laptop and sat down to type on my keyboard. Keyboard though feels similar, some keys may be bit twisted, but I am sure, it will help me to get this one out atleast.
So a Hi to myself and a reminder, DUDE! WAKE UP AND GET GOING!!!
I know my sweetheart missed me, and I know one more who missed me. MYSELF.

So when I think of it, why and what was I doing that it took me so long to get back to what I love the most, I had one answer to myself, I was just being plain lazy. But then I realized, WHY, and, for that, I knew the answer, I just didn't feel motivated.
Not motivated to read something new, let alone exploring something new, but forgetting what I already know. Not motivated to listen to something new, but spending good measure of time, watching.
I have been addicted to movies, like never before and have been following every review, every bit of them.
When I think of it, I guess I have not been motivated to do anything and everything. Just plain lame, and almost every day just the same.

Things have moved around me and I feel today that I have been dreaming all this while. A Bad Dream.

I woke up from it, a week back, things been looking good and getting in control.
I would soon be back on what I did; only hoping to stick for a longer time this stint.

Just few lines I came up while getting the last lines out.

I knew where I had come in
and know the door to leave
I am just taking some time
but soon be coming back to me

Turning Pages

iFan - r u a fan yet?

As I hold this book and start to turn
I find some pages, that’s left untouched
some forgotten dreams,
some unwritten scripts,
but few written well
others just painted blank

I started reading and turning page
stories and actors start taking face
some found new,
some hidden clues,
few would stay all the way
others might
just fade away

Soon reached a page with nowhere to go
a part of book which says, 'hold on'
and write it new
some hopeful dreams,
some unmatched scripts,
few to fulfill what heart had wished
and others to read,
on a day like these

Does it reach or lost in between

Do we consider or do we not
does it matter and if does how
do you care or we just believe
would it reach or be lost in between

did we listen or we just ignored
did it echo even after show
will we change or we just believe
is it reaching or is loosing in between

should we carry or should we leave
would it be needed by next one in
did we try and were close to see
did it reach or was lost in between


All of us pray and all of us knows the power of it. But have you ever wondered if it is going to reach in time, will he respond, will our wishes be granted, if not, will we still hold on to our believes...


Updated: 9/17/2008
Here's the answer :)

ofcsre it reached and yes its heard
You must have realised that its answered
a true heart and a strong belief
Without his wish ,you cant move a leaf
Dont be lost as somebody has found you
it happened and with me and so with you..

End Of Lost Road

Ok so here is what I am trying to do, put an end to whole lost and found and searching thing that has been going on in my mind from sometime.

Till the next time I find something good enough to WOW me to write or upload, this would stay on top. This is not the best way to end it, but then, if I try something it would mean going back to same mode, which I am not going to do.

So untill another road leads the way, this road has found a dead end. RIP.

Do you believe in God?

"You have a free will and God also know everything" ,
"But how’s the possible" argued me,
"that’s Inconceivable", and as soon as he said that I knew the topic is over.
Something that inconceivable, how can we talk about it, and the great topic that’s been on from ever ended once again. Though we didn’t expect to come to any answer but it’s just that, these are the moments when you just want to let it out.
If God really know everything, then why is he making us go through all this? There’s no reason if that’s true, but then if he does not know what’s going to happen, then probably he does not even know what to do with us.
This is one question that has been going through in my mind over and over again and has really made me think about my faith and believe in everything. I have strong belief in God and have a very strong faith, but there are few things that just keep coming back again and again.
One of them is “should we really pray?” does God really wants to be praised and we have to constantly tell him that we worship him, we remember him, we haven’t forgotten him. What if we all stop someday and see what happens. May be God doesn’t want to be worshiped. May be he is just happy that we go on with our lives and work hard to do what we are doing, take care of each other, and submit ourselves to his decision, his power and his judgment.

My friend argues that Heaven and Hell are real. We do our thing and based on our deeds, good and bad, we go to either one. His interpretation considers planets where life is very easy (heaven) and where life is very tough (Hell). Now question is if we go to heaven, is it possible I get bored of all the good things and everything being perfect. What if I decide to leave heaven some day? Since I have free will I can do that.
For this my friend said, we have the choice, you will leave heaven, again live a life, create a balance of your good and bad deeds, and again you would go to either one. What if I again land up in Heaven, and I had wanted to go to Hell.
Bigger question is even if I am choosing all the decisions and it is my choice, this constant wondering between Heaven and Hell, doesn’t that make me immortal!! And if we believe only God is immortal, how come I have equal mortality as God.

Now is Earth the deciding place for heaven and hell? May be if I had asked my friend I consider he would have answered that there are other planets also where decisions are made. Now thing is on earth also we have places where life is very easy and life is very tough. Now if earth is a deciding factor then shouldn’t it be a neutral ground.


Incidentally when I was writing this, ‘Pink Floyd - Wish you were Here’ started playing on my speaker screeming out, 'can you tell, heaven from hell'?
I don’t know why I wrote this, but surely felt scared writing all this and ended up more confused and feeling more terrible than ever before, but then had to let it out somewhere. May be we are just 'lost souls swimming in fish bowl' or whatever, it’s surely no one of us to know and no one of us can tell. I came with this one while writing this.
I think it also forms part of my whole 'lost road' theme. It talks about something unexplainable and indeterminate.


Searching Beyond Faith

its no one to answer
and no one to know
not everyone gets it
and not everyone would

still we keep the faith
and hold it strong
may be some day will come
when it shows along
holding the light it will
lead the way
showing what lies
across the empty space

but still we might consider
it worth-a-while
we came a long way
but nothing in sight

its no one ever told
and no one could have known
what we expected to see
and what lies beyond belief

as we reached another place
time still had the same pace
its dejavu all over again
a blurred memory an old dream
its hard to forget and hard to live
as no one had seen it
and no one ever will

Far Away

My heart feels like let it go today
Light and free I fly and let it be
Flying high and far as I could
resting over that last green hill

The green dosent seem to know me
How could I expect it to be
This is the farthest that I have ever been
Far away from anyone closer to me

A white cloud followed me behind
I noticed it all this while
Keeping a close watch on where I be
Far away with someone closer to me

This cloud is not gonna rain
Neither am I go gonna stay
Still we sit, silent and alone
Far away searching someone we know

LostLoop

I feel like I am lost
lost, and wondering
wondering, between this space and time
and time, as if it has stop
stopped, to take some rest
rest, so that I find some peace
peace, from this madness
madness, that has crept in
in side of I and outside of me
me, oh! I think I am lost again
again, circling in a loop
loop, of this unknown thoughts
thoughts, that just come and go
go, far and beyond
beyond, the boundary of infinite and unknown
unknown to me, seems so familiar to me
me, I think I found something
something, that’s not been dreamed
dream, which seems so real
real!, but that’s not true
truth is something that’s known
known by me and you
you, oh! sorry, are you lost too

adhoori kavita

maine likhi hai ek kavita
thodi udaas sii, thodi khoi hui sii
mere mann ka haal batati hui
meri aankhon ka raaz kholti hui
akeli sii, ek gumnaam kavita

maine likhi hai ek kavita
thodi dari hui sii, thodi khamosh sii
mere dil ka hal batati hui
mere andhere kamre ka raaz kholti hui
shant sii ek chup chap kavita

maine likhi thi ek kavita
thodi tooti hui sii, thodi puri sii
ek aadhi adhoori kavita


This one is special my first after a year and first in Hindi... never felt better after writing something and leaving this one unfinished and calling it 'adhoori kavita'.

My Invisible Life

2 days back there was time when I just wanted to hide myself, and disappear from everyone’s eye. Just hide under my bed or my big closet and sit there for the rest of the time. Also I want to be invisible and wanted to fly on top of everyone and see what they are doing? No one should see me and find me but I should see everyone from the top.

Feeling of despair and restlessness continued till today before I went out for a walk.
I walked and walked for more than a mile one side, and no one could see me. I could see everyone going on normally with their life, sitting in a nice restaurant and enjoying the dinner, driving in their car and strangely unaware of my presence. And I walked and kept walking and wondering what’s happening to the world why can’t they see me. Here I am walking 6 foot tall, and no one could find me. Something’s wrong in the world today or may be my wish came true; I have become invisible to the world.

Ah what a feeling but how wrongly timed. This is not what I want now. I wish a car just stop behind and some one calls my name. I wish I could have written this while I was walking. May be I should have saved the thoughts I had then. May be it’s a dream walk. May be I was dreaming. I went into a book store at the end of my walk. Going through the shelf I saw a book ‘First break all the rules’ and I continued my dream walk to the next shelf and to next and realized I want to get back to that book. Came back where I thought I had seen it but it had disappeared. May be it was flying on top of my head and could see me and I was totally unaware of it. It was time to close the store and I started my walk back. Came all the way back still invisible to naked eyes, went into a shop at the back of patrol bunk and bought a ‘snicker’, to my relief at least it was for real. May be I am getting back to the world and regaining my powers.

I am back in my room now and I am again visible to everyone, oh crap, invisible life was better.

Confession of a tired mind

too
too many
too little
too tired

why
why not
why is it
why so

who
who is it
who can
who would
who wants
who cares

what
what for
what if
what not
what else

where
where to
where would I
where would you

when
when will
when will I
when it would

leave
leave it
leave it to...

A Memory

This is what memories are made off, must hold on to it.

Yogi and Peeyush sitting in a coffee bar

having coffee and cake till the money last

we are trying to write a rhyme

that will stand the test of time

but the words aren't coming

they are not easy to find

may be distractions are too many

and females around are too nice

a voice from behind soon disturbed our mind

the bar is closed sir

please come some other time.

A prayer for friend

I met my friend waiting for the train
he’s got a ticket for a place
where hardly anyone reigned

He said he wants to find himself
go as far as he could
'cause he is tired of everyone else

Didn’t know what to say
just smiled and turned away
but never did the words fade away

I removed the dirt from the book
and tried to remember what the Wiseman said
“Life is war, fight it until you drop,
make your life pure and everything else will be cured
you can never run and can never hide
payback is here and it’s always right.”

With these words in my head
I lie down on bed and start to pray
“Today’s gone tomorrow will come
if not sunshine, don’t even let rain to drown”

A Flower for me

A flower fell on me
when I was sleeping below a banyan tree
strange, I thought and looked up to see
have I been misplaced
or the tree switched when I wasn't awake

nothing unusual that I could see
picked up the flower and bought it closer to me
Ah! the most beautiful that I had ever seen
Red color, as red has never been

surely someone played a mischief with me
tried to scare me with a beautiful thing
let me keep it close to me
will come back tomorrow and see who is he

came back early to find the unseen
saw some people praying around the banyan tree
keeping flowers and tucking them safe inside
slowly everyone left feeling blessed and divine

I picked up one of the hidden flower
to match it with the one that was showered
I owned the most beautiful one
as if god was saying 'son you are my chosen one'

Still Lost

Life is like circle
                  With no start and no end
Like a colorful horizon
                  But where does it stand
Or it is like a dream
                  You hate to wake up to
In the mist so hard to see
                  But you feel the chill in you
I feel it is an ocean
                  In our minuscule life
And the warmth of the fire
                  In the freezing world undying
It could be a strayed cloud
                  Which is never gonna rain
Like the scent of a flower
                  Which just goes in vein
Is it like a mountain
                  Standing test of the time
Like a silent endless forest
                  Not revealing what’s inside
As I walk on the lost road
                  Taking turns of my life
These are questions running
                  Like the daemons in my mind


Story of the Lost Road

How it started?
2 weeks back, in Majestic, sitting in Nandini having a hearty mini meal, peeyush and me had a thought to start a new travel blog. Thus started the brainstorming for the name. As we ran through multiple singular names like picture, scenic blah, blah and more blah, I suggested having a phrase, a meaningful, heavy stuff, thoughtful and provoking. As we continued with confused state of mind, trying hard to think and to come up with something original, we agreed that the name had to have something of travel, something like ‘2 lost souls in a fish bowl’, something to do with lost and being found, some path, some road, and suddenly Peeyush stammered ‘Traveling… traveling on the lost road’. And there it was an improved version ‘Walking on the lost road!!!!’ like straight out of Robert Frost poem, it was the ‘one’ we knew for sure.

It didn’t end there…
Came back home excited with the new idea. Next few days went on thinking of a small poem that would fit in and be the first entry to set up the mood and feel of the blog.
I came up with this one Walking on the lost road.
We thought it was ok, but still didn’t carry the feel of lost and wondering, imagination, a high fly. We wanted more and wanted it fast.

The idea
Friday 15th Sept, Peeyush called up ‘Yo! I have a line in my mind ‘Life is like a circle with no start and no end’, and the whole poem should end with the walking on the lost road. What do u say?’
Sitting in barista at Leela palace, 3 hours and Rs.350 on coffee bill, going through the wildest of the thoughts and comparisons, finding the right words and rhyme, from universe to history books to winds and chimes, it was one wild night ending at 2 am in the morning. And when we finally finished I don’t think we felt this happy before. It was an amazing excitement inside and thought we have done a pretty decent work and no matter what reactions others would have, I know we are going to cherish it for long.

Cheers Peeyush!!!!

Walking on the lost road

Journey starts, journey ends
sometimes by destiny, sometimes by chance
We all start to walk on the path
keeping future in eyes and past in our heart
Someone comes along to share the role
some stay for long, some just leave us alone
Struggle is the route name and it is without a map
many traveled before but didn’t leave the steps
But we have to travel, and travel alone
Walking on the lost road
Find a path that leads us home

Why?

Sometimes it feels so good
just to stand next to the road
watching people passing by
don't know where they came from
and don't know why?

But then it feels better
to walk on the road
watching people standing by
still don't know where they came from
and don't know why?

Its been same story ever since
every one walks every one stands
but no one will ever know
where we came from
and the reason why?